Footsteps on the forest floor
Remind me of your face
Everything between us
Must fractalize

——-//

All you need is now a part of you
All the love, the pain, and joy
It makes you who you are
The most shining star
So beautiful, so strong
The one, only you

—//

Where to begin. The medicine. Did you get your medicine, little girl? We each sit at her feet by the end of the ceremony as she waves our mopachito (little cigarette) around our heads, into our hands, blows the dust from our hearts. We are reborn. We are as children, drinking mother’s milk. Yet, here, sometimes mother doesn’t only bring butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes she stalks you with a knife behind her back and hands you all the poison you’ve put into the world. Her medicine is more like yeasty, hard to swallow mollasses than breast milk. And we remember to breathe deeply into the nausea and at times let it out as she holds an immaculate and steady mirror of emotions, sights, sounds, smells and feelings before our eyes and mind and heart. All the love, pain and joy.

The darkest ceremony of the three released a syringe I was clutching in my hand. Mariya breathed on me, blew the cleansing smoke of tobacco into my hands, spotted the needle of harm, and snatched it away. Firm mother love. Wren, you say you want to grow up? Be healed? Be a healer? Know and see? Look at this and this and this. All the beauty first and then inescapable, unavoidable pain. One man spent the entire night retching up the pain of seeing selves he had denied. This is powerful medicine. Truth medicine.

Forgive me, mother, forgive me brothers and sisters. Forgive me self: for being a liar, a hider, a proud one who thinks she is perfect yet hides real darkness; patterns of control, possession, childish and non-love-centered relational ways…. Forgive me. Ahhhhhhhh. I am forgiven. In the light of full disclosure, how could I continue in these ways? Forgive me. I change.

The truth will not rest. The truth does not sleep. Up all night with the medicine. Please, stop showing me this; I see it, I see it! I promise to change my ways! I see it! The medicine nailed the coffin home, and so many selves I had carried and coddled, championed and charmed with were sent away, across the seas: seen, repented and, ultimately, released.

But it does not rest here. The medicine does not hide, nor allow for hiding. All you need is now a part of you. All the love, the pain, and joy. It makes you who you are, the most shining star. So beautiful so strong, the one and only you.

The first time I drank the medicine, the entire space erupted into my birthday party. For hours. I lay there giggling, so tickled by the truth and beauty of the universe and myself and all my actions leading up to that point. This was a big pat on the back by the universe. YOU MADE IT. YOU DID IT! CONGRATULATIONS, you made it home!! You followed your very own insatiable nose to the point of truth and now you are reborn! Congrats! You’ve cleared all karma (or are set up to do so). Yay! It’s a big congratulatory party from here on out. You’ve done so much work and you’ve made it and I love you! I love you I love you I love you!!!!!!

A woman sings in the background and I feel like I am in a night club with sexy shimmery boas hanging from the ceiling. Sequins everywhere. Soft velvety dark purple wall hangings and the most gorgeous woman gracing the stage. This is the night club of the starry universal underworld and I curl up on my mat pulling the blanket close beside me. Night sounds from the amazon chirp and trickle into the room. I feel so held and supported and loved and encouraged. I lay like this appeased and smiling for hours and the icaros, healing medicine songs, pour out from the ayahuasceras mouths. The most magical beautiful dazzling grounding truthful inspiring loving AMAZING collection of songs.

I’m in the nightclub of the universe, I think to myself, and momma universe, a shimmering sexy thick and muscular and lean boa constrictor let’s me suckle her teat of songs. I am in complete heaven and tripping my eyes off. The ayahuasca imagery I’d seen on weavings and clothes, slightly computer chipesque patterned imagery, flow before my eyes. There are colors and lines expanding and contracting, waving and rippling in my mind’s eye. I am so blessed and I deserve this. I am amused and chuckles escape from me throughout the night in the sacred space of the maloca, round woven high ceilinged place of ceremony.

Whew. I didn’t sleep on this one either, but remained late into the night, turning and snuggling, num numming at the beauty of MOTHERS. the heart of the divine feminine. The AMAZING POWER of my own mother believing in me to the ends of the earth. The most shining star. So beautiful so strong, the one and only you. All you need is now a part of you. All the love, pain and joy. It makes you who you are, the most shining star, so beautiful so strong. The one and only you.

Also on this evening, a question I have long asked into the universe, are aliens real?, was revealed to me. Simply and matter of factly, yes, aliens are real. There is our galaxy and myriads of others. Countless, expanding. Later i saw an ethereal brain implant occurring with some of the extraterrestrials. I was distracted into the icaros and when silence came again into the maloca, I returned to this thought and asked if I could have a transplant too. Intuitively I felt that the ethereal chip I saw being implanted was a connector device to the entire galaxy. There were groups of entities who had some connection with earth, and this speaks of the chip, who have galactic organizing they are doing. I didn’t really understand it and their intention or purpose with the earth wasn’t fully revealed, but that now I was connected to their information and could have intergalactic downloads. Galactic consciousness! In the third ceremony I returned my thoughts to this chip and asked some questions.

What came wasn’t surprising: humans need to start being respectful inhabitants of our place. That our extraterra siblings have the power to help us out of our fix, yet what good is the mother who always cleans her kid’s bedroom? The child doesn’t learn. We children of the earth must take responsibility. The earth loves us so much!! And yet, ultimately, we are of no consequence to her. I saw my generations, ALL OF OUR GENERATIONS, sloughing off like the skin of some great python. And that if need be, the earth can shake us off like some disease. Brrrrr out of my system.

Such it is and such it was in my vision. The third drinking I had only a poquito. This time I was able to work with my intentions & wasn’t swept entirely into the mysterious and overwhelming reality of ma ayahuasca. Nearly a week after my first sip of the medicina poderosa, I found the mix bagged of all she had shown me, and also what a good tool the medicine is for working with our innards: uprooting patterns which no longer serve, holding oneself lightly and with grace, and even ample access into insightful ways to make the transitions into new life. A lot of forgiveness, a lot of release, so much thanks for mothers and so much affirmation in my heart-centered love love loving approach toward the earth. I love her, still, though she also terrifies me, and am humbled, awemazed and in wonder and excitement toward her mystery, this mystery I am and we find ourselves in. I’m so thankful for this entire path. Certainly not easy, even hellish (and heavenish at times, yet I tend to embrace that one more ;), yet I walk today because of this work and this vine of the soul, vine of the dead, this Amazonian University in more freedom, lightness, childlikeness, clarity and love than ever. Thank you mama ayahuasca, thank you space holders, thank you shamas & traditions and icaros and all of the plant family. I honor you. Aho.

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