You must have complete faith in yourself, she told me as she blew tobacco smoke into the top of my skull, cleansing me.
Only Love Only Light Only Healing and only full belief will bring this to fruition, she reminded me.
The old system is breaking down. It cannot support itself and it is not connected to the earth. It is based on exploitation of the earth and is not in line with her cycles and rhythms. Therefore it is unsustainable, unstable. Like a human polluting one’s body causes dis-ease, the same is true of pachamama, the body of our mother, who gives us all things. Her rivers and streams mirror our bodies. Without care for these, we, too, will be filled with disease.
The candles were lit in her upstairs ceremonial room. An old antique weaving hung over the door keeping in the smoke of the palo santo, creating a sacred space for all gathered. A warm space with an altar in the middle. A mirror, a statuette of a buddha, the grandmother vine, vision tapestries from the jungle, stones, crystals; an altar at the center in homage to things which bring us power, grounding, remembrance of higher self. The ceremony lasted way into the night. Drums beating, the shrill singing touching all notes of being, the purging, the release, shivering ecstasy, cosmic remembrance and grounded truths. The call. The response. Allowance of the medicine. Oneness.
This time in my human form I did not lay down. She repeated, Are you in your center? After first calling each of our names. Wren, are you in your center? Ini, are you in your center? To the two Danish girls, Are you in you center? A voice calling to us, unfamiliar at first, we mumble Yes, or take a moment, recenter and come forth in audible return.
You’ve accepted the medicine, she says to Ini and me after a few hours of singing, cleansing; a few hours of ayahuasca ritual, of visions both terrifying and terrific, always instructive. Centered, the medicine running through my veins, permeating my cells, I am palpably “with-it”, unlike previous ingestions where I am off-kilter for 24 hours, sometimes unable to walk straight or think coherently. Centered, we talk conversationally into the night. Her face visible across the room, lit by quivering candlelight. She, wrapped in blanket, staring into the candles, occasionally glancing through the light into us.
She saw us, saw through us, her vision enabled and magnified by the medicine. Sitting in front of me for eternities, she sings medicine song after medicine song, repeating the words solo amor solo luz solo sanacion repeating only love only light only healing until it permeates through all of my layers visible to her sight, until sinking into my very cells blasting the darkness. Timeless choices before me, lifetimes of work I could’ve continued to put off. Solo luz solo amor solo sanacion. I am cast into this choice: only love only light only healing or anything else I have devised to distract me from this. Countless lifetimes of choices pop up in the face of her singing, in her repeated confrontations of light. Perhaps the most difficult of moments of my life: I am learning to train myself in love in light in healing and everything else pops up derailing me, taking my concentration from the glaring knife’s edge of simplicity. Only love only light only healing. She sits before me for aeons and finally lifts and moves on once I am cleared.
I sit up and work the entire night. I am not going to sleep until I know only love only light only healing. You hear that Universe, Wren isn’t going to sleep until she gets it only love only light only healing. Stop all the world, nothing will take place until only love only light only healing is the beating of my heart, the breath cycling my body. Hours of this practice until it has permeated my being. And after hours of training, the night settles, her drum is quiet, we are wet with the spewing of the agua florida, our no-longer-needed-energy-laden vomit sits rank in the buckets before us. The powerful, powerful medicine coursing through our veins, empowering thoughts & visions, flittering geometric patterns of our very universe.
She begins to speak into the night.
The earth for a long time has been programmed by beings who wish to control based on fear. These beings only have power over us when we are in fear. Stay centered. Stay vigilant. The way forward is in complete belief in yourself. You are ancient souls. You look like white people, but your spirits are the native spirits, spirits of indigenous people.
The controlling, fear-based systems around us on the earth today are crumbling. We are rebuilding the new systems. Pachamama loves us and gives us everything we need. Stay centered in this, use your hands, and believe in yourself. Believe in your love. This is the medicine of the way forward. These beings controlling the current systems which are crumbling only feed off of your fear. When you are centered and in full belief in yourself, full love, they can have no power over you. You are teachers, leaders of the way. The way forward is each person believing in themselves, manifesting the earth-centered dream. Pachamama is our mother, she is Abundance; connection with her is perfect, she wants to give her children every good thing. In connection with her we don’t have to worry because we have complete abundance. This is the way forward.
We spoke into the night, Ini and I asking questions that we have always wondered about the Universe and she answering, oftentimes saying, Pachamama has told me this or shown me in a vision. Many of the things she told us we had already known, reading them in books, divining them through prayer, knowing them in our souls. Drinking the medicine with her peeled back another layer. Blew smoke, a dusting of fine particles off of the mirror of our souls. We slept in the ceremony room that night and awoke the next morning and spoke more over tea.
The message always boils down to this: only love only light only healing.
This is the way forward. Train yourselves on this. Are you Centered? Pachamama, our mother, wants to give us every good thing. Use your hands to build the new way. And ultimately, the way it manifests is through complete belief in ourselves. No fear, a complete lack of fear. 100% belief in ourselves is the way forward. We can do this, but we must erase doubt from our mindscape, our vocabulary. The way forward is through belief. Solo amor Solo luz Solo sanacion. Let this be our prayer, the prayer of the new indigenous of all colors, of all tribes, worldwide.
If you have belief in yourself, anything is possible.